Long time, no blog

So, apparently, I haven't posted anything for a month. I'm sorry about that, I really am. It's just that I started this thing when I had nothing better to do, and now I just don't have the energy. It would totally be different if I did something else for a living, but I average about 2-3 blog posts per day with AOL Latino and I write one every Tuesday for The Daily Blitz. I know I have mentioned this before and no one is interested in reading excuses or my daily did-do list, so I will stop.

That said, here are the latest news bulletins from my so-called life:

1: Although I have relinquished my position as the top blogger for automoviles.aol.com to the dreaded Fabrizio, it is a trade-off of quality and quantity. The kid has written an impressive 100 posts in the last 30 days, but very few exceed 100 words and most are really, really poorly written. I, on the other hand, have been promoted to Lead Blogger, due without a doubt to my superior skills... Bosses only promote employees with great skills.

2: We adopted a dog. His name is Zeus. He is adorable, 2 years old, and totally awesome. I will spare you more cliched pet-blog details.

3: Simba Ranch, the dog camp where I work, is planning on starting a blog for their website so people can check in on their dogs while they are on vacation or whatever. Guess who is going to help with that...


That is about all for now. I was sort of planning to talk about the Simpsons 400th episode from yesterday, but if I do that here, I will have nothing to post on The Daily Blitz tomorrow. That's the great thing about the internet though... if you are reading this on Tuesday, all you have to do is click.

Also- I am signed up for a creative writing class at CU on Tuesdays and Thursdays during June, so I should have some good (well, at least new) stuff to post then. Stay tuned!

Blogging History

OK, although it looks kind of photo-shopped and ghetto, this is a copy of the AOL Latino homepage from Saturday, April 21. The "Gran Cherokee" article that you see a link to is MINE!! I'm am officially famous. It didn't even take that long, really.

Is it Friday again already?

Alright, I don't really have anything meaningful to say... Why don't I just rant a little bit?

I saw a link on AOL today with a picture of Alec Baldwin. I can't remember what the caption said exactly but it was something to the effect of "Baldwin leaves angry voicemail to his daughter." and then a link that said, "Listen." Why the hell would anybody want to listen to a message that Alec Baldwin left for someone else? I can already hardly believe it when I see people who actually care about celebrity weddings and fashion and all that crap, I can't imagine wanting to eavesdrop on someone's phone messages.

Sadly, I work for these same people. Our site is just a few clicks away.

Blogging for my life

So, I think once or twice a week is going to be my new blogging goal. I think because I am now pretty much blogging for a living at automoviles.aol.com , I don't much feel like doing it in my free time, you know? You can still catch me every Tuesday at www.thedailyblitz.org and once a week here, but don't waste your time checking up too often.

Announcements:

I have an interview for a part time job at Simba Dog Ranch on Tuesday. I think it's like a camp to pamper city dogs way up in the mountains, near Nederland. We shall see how that goes.

I am seeing Medeski, Martin and Wood tonight in Denver and I am SO damn psyched. It's been way too long since I have seen them, and they are co-headlining with the Greyboy All-Stars, which should be a pretty good show in its own right.

I saw Jim Gaffigan in Boulder last night. I would say it was about 50-60% recycled material but all of it is solid gold. He started out with a solid 10 minute bit all about bacon:

"Every time I go to a place with a breakfast buffet and see that huge tub of bacon, I think the same thing: 'If I was here by myself, I would eat only bacon. I should steal the tray and take it up to my room so I can eat it lying down.'"

This man has a P.h.d. in Lazy: "The worst part of having food delivered is getting up to answer the door. What am I, the butler? At least I don't have to put on pants..."

"We went hiking today, what did you do?" "I did nothing." "Well, you could have come with us!" "No, thanks. I'd rather die."

"You know you are dumb when you have to change a letter based on the words you know how to spell: 'Sorry I missed you, guess I'll see you tomo, tomar... next week.'"

Oh, you poor, lonely, forgotten blog...

"So, what's the deal!?"

Does this sound like you? Well, the deal is that I have been writing Latino Autoblogs and moving in to my new house like it's going out of style. I have had very little time to relax, let alone work on this crap for free.

Here's something interesting: I went to Vail to visit my aunt and uncle yesterday, and we were talking about my recent move. Apparently, they had asked some friends of theirs from Denver about Nederland, and were informed that it is a commune. That's news to me. I'm not even sure if I know what a commune is, exactly, apart from the obvious cult-like stereotypes. Remember the Shakers? That was like a religious-type commune, but I assume the Denver-ites were referring to communes of the hippie sort, like this:

This is funny to me, because it shows the way that city folks think about mountain folks. I'm not sure what would give them the idea that it was a commune, let alone convince them to share it as fact, but the only thing I can think of is the fact that we have a grocery co-op in town. I don't know how it works, because I just go to the regular grocery store, but from the name I would gather that it is some sort of "co-operative" or "communal" organization.

Blog is in the house... My new house.

I finally found a place to rest my weary head. I must admit it is not in the location that I had originally planned on, but when we walked in we knew right away. If you have not already, please refer to my post on www.thedailyblitz.org to see some pictures and a map.

I was moving some stuff in this morning and my neighbor came up to talk to me. It turns out that she is moving out because she needs more space because she is about to start a local newspaper. It's true, I don't really want to work for a newspaper, but she was very nice and they are really small so I might be able to have more freedom to do like an opinion column or something.

Anyway, it just sucks that it is so far from Denver and I will have to quit my job at the comedy club. It's not like there was a future for me in ticket-taking anyway, but I feel bad because I just started and now I have to quit. They are going to be pissed when they find out I live here:

Back in blog

So, I've really been slacking on the blog recently, huh? I'm sorry, I've just been diverting my attention elsewhere. I worked at the comedy club last night and wrote a few new Autoblogs this week, so don't think I'm not working at all. Not to mention going snowboarding, going to class, going to 2 string cheese concerts, and looking for a place to live. Now that I think of it, all in all I would say I actually had a fairly productive week, thank you very much.

I found this picture online, let's see if I can come up with a story about this guy:

After traveling almost 32oo miles from my home, my month-long journey was finally over. The sun hung low in the sky as I struggled to climb the last final steps, but even though my body ached, I could not help but smile. The monastery was exactly as I imagined it during my travels. Its design was simple; the thatch roof and sliding doors were typical of the psuedo-Asian arquitecture of the period, and upon entering the sand courtyard I had the feeling of being embraced by the loving arms of the sanctuary.

The master was seated alone in the center of the courtyard, meditating in a full lotus postion. His pale, white skin shone nearly translucent in the late afternoon sun, and he appeared to be almost glowing, radiating love and positivity. I dared not disturb him, but he must have felt my shadow on his leg, because he suddenly removed his snorkel and ski goggles before standing to greet me. "It is a great honor to meet you," I began, but he waved his hand to silence me. He did not speak, but as he motioned me closer and handed me the goggles, I somehow knew he wanted me to put them on. What happened then I can never fully understand, but through the foggy, orange tint of the lenses, I suddenly saw the world as it truly was. The sandy courtyard was alive with wildlife and vegetation, and the simple monastery around us suddenly appeared to be ornately decorated with sculptures and murals from all over the world. I turned to look at the master, but he too had changed. He was more than seven feet tall, tan, and muscular, yet I still had no trouble recognizing him.

"These goggles," he explained, "are capable of filtering the world in a way that lets us see only spiritual beauty, for that is the only true form. The forms you see without them are manipulated by evil to make them appear beautiful, and thus make you love evil. I know why you have come to me, for when I saw you with these goggles, I saw the cloud over your head. Come and join us here, and you will learn the way to happiness."

I followed him into a small room on the first floor of the monastery, which he explained would be my own, personal meditation site. I was hoping to rest before beginning my new instruction, but the master insisted that I begin immediately. As we sat down together he instructed me to put in the snorkel as well, and breathe deeply. I closed my eyes and concentrated on his voice while he softly chanted a mantra, and was once again amazed as each breath through the snorkel suddenly began to fill me with incredibly powerful feelings of peace, relaxation, and positivity.

... I think you get the idea, that's enough for now.

Home, home on the.... anywhere's fine, really.

So, no luck so far in the house hunt. We have been able to narrow it down a bit and found a couple of new places, but obviously we aren't jumping into anything yet.

I had an interesting assignment for class today, I had to write a query letter, which is essentially a pitch for a magazine or newspaper article. I really did not like doing it, but it occurs to me that this is the single most useful tool for a nonfiction, freelance writer to have, so I better learn it.

I don't have anything funny or interesting to say today, as usual, but I should mention that I almost died yesterday while snowboarding. I don't mean that I hurt myself badly or that I just fell really hard or anything like that, I mean I was almost literally killed. Everything was going fine until I found myself on an unusually long, flat trail that was apparently used most often for snowmobilers. Since it was about 60 degrees, the snow was the consistency of mashed potatoes, and the trail was even slower than usual. I don't know what it is about going incredibly slow on a snowboard, but for some reason I am about 10 times more likely to fall than when I'm cruising at breakneck speeds. Anyway, there is this snowmobiler behind me who decides to go the same speed like 5 feet behind me instead of passing. Well, naturally, I panicked because of his proximity and wiped out for no reason, conveniently splaying out directly in front of him. Luckily, he swerved just in time and missed my head by about 3 inches. I wouldn't even have been injured. My body would have been perfectly fine while my head was flat as a pancake. It was awesome.

Our blog is a very very very fine blog

Hey kids! Today's blog is brought to you by the word Craigslist, and the letters A, p, and t.

If you are interested in why I don't have time to blog today, you can pretend you are looking at places with me:

2br Mountain Home in the middle of nowhere: http://denver.craigslist.org/apa/292800271.html

1 br Studio Mountain Home near Boulder:
http://boulder.craigslist.org/apa/292978086.html

1br Mountain Home w/ External Office: <-- My pre-visit favorite
http://boulder.craigslist.org/apa/296006345.html

I think I'm going to take pictures, maybe I'll let you in on a few.

Homeless, but not blogless

Well the concerts are over for a few days, time get back to the grind. We have 100 people at our first comedy show tonight, and 'das a whole lotta tickets to tear and credit card numbers to run. Plus its St. Patty's Day so there is going to be green puke everywhere. Awesome. I'm just glad I have an excuse not to get blackout drunk, fall down, lose my ID, and tear my pants tonight. St. Patty's Day sucks because you always drink too much because you think it will be fun and then , 6 hours later, you wrap your car around a tree and/or throw up in the bushes outside someone's house... I've seen it a thousand times.


Anyway, I'm on the hunt for lodging in sort of the Boulder area at the moment. I'm not sure I want to move too far away though because I am starting to enjoy my job at the comedy club and I am on the schedule at least through April, so I don't want to make the commute too long. I guess that's all.



To all the Alcoholics: Have fun getting ridiculously drunk and claiming to be Irish!

By the way, you know what I love about Google? This: You can never forget a holiday with Google around.

Let me tell you a story called the House Rent Blog

If anyone doubted the squalor in which I live, or thought that I was exaggerating, get this: The property owner is in town for a week or so doing repairs. During which time, he takes notice of the fact that I live in the closet, and that I have a space heater because there is no heat in the closet. He is very nice to me while I am there, and I try to accomodate his intrusions. To make a long story short, after I left he apparently talked to my brother and told him three things:

1) "We" told him that I would only be there for a short time.
2) It is illegal for me to stay in the "closet" because it does not have a full size window, and I could be trapped in a fire.
3) My space heater is responsible for a spike in the electric bill, thus I owe more money.

Translation: I am moving out at the end of the month. Since one of us is still welcome to stay and pay $650 to live alone in a dump, my brother generously offered to be the one who moves into a nicer place. However, considering other factors, I am choosing to take this as a blessing in disguise and haul ass out of there ASAP. The only problem will be my job, but that's later...

No blog for you!

Please refer to www.thedailyblitz.org for today's post. I am too lazy to write anything.

When a problem comes along, you must blog it... blog it good.

A few things to start with:

1) I am still going to attempt to post here every day. That said, I no longer care if I don't, and I will not beat myself up if I don't have anything to say or I don't have time. It's just not worth it, you know?

2) Sound Tribe Sector 9 is doing a five-show run in Boulder this week. I am only going on Tuesday and Thursday because I have my class on Wed and I have to work on Fri and Sat, but there are late night shows as well, so it should be quite interesting. The coolest thing, I think, is that the shows will all be broadcasted live on the internet. It is probably no good if you use a modem but for people with fast internet it is worth the 10 bucks and you can watch it the next day if you live on the east coast.

3) Autoblog Latino is up and running. It's funny that at the moment, I am the top blogger with 14 posts or so. The #2 guy posted all of his in one day, like two weeks ago, so I don't expect to hold that title for very long.

As for today's writing, I guess I will come back to this crappy plan Bee I skipped: Write about the last piece of something - pie, real estate, posterity - and the two people who want it.

Stewart Davis cowered in the corner of the cafeteria, trying his best to eat his lunch before anyone discovered him there. As he shoveled the last piece of his sandwich into his mouth, he almost choked. "Gimme your last cookie, Stewart... or else," a voice said from behind him. Stewart knew the voice belonged to Chuck Shaw, and he also knew what "or else" meant when Chuck said it. With those thoughts in mind, he slowly picked up the cookie and began to turn around, only to find himself face to face to face with not only Chuck Shaw, but also Brad Marshall, who stood behind Chuck.
Brad held out his hand, expectantly. "I want that cookie, Stewart."

Stewart froze. "Uh, well Chuck just asked me for it.

"I don't care, I'm telling you to give it to me. If you don't do what I say, you know what will happen."

Stewart carefully considered his options and began to hand the cookie to Brad, but Chuck did not back down. "I told you to give me that cookie, Davis, and if you give it to him instead, it's gonna be your ass."

"Well, what do you want me to do, you guys? I only have one cookie left and you both want it! I can break it in half and you could each have half, how about that?" Both bullies crossed their arms and shook their heads, letting Stewart know that there was no way out of his predicament without one of them beating him mercilessly. With a sigh, Stewart resigned himself to his fate. He stood up to reveal his decision, but then thought better of it, shoved the cookie into his mouth, and ran like hell from the cafeteria.

You took the words right outta my blog. Oh, it musta been while you were readin' it.

So, it's almost 2 am for me, here. What time it is it for you would depend on where you live and when you are reading this, so I will skip that part. Also, I have not yet decided whether or not this post will count for Sunday... It might turn out to be just a late night rant that don't mean nothin'. I guess you will just have to wait and find out, won't you?

--------------------------------------

Ok, so here is the best, slash worst, slash best again (thanks David Cross), thing about my job: During 4 and 7 hour shifts, I really only do about 45 and 90 min of actual, real work, respectively. The rest of the time is spent bullshi**ing, playing with the computer, sitting in the box office (staring into space), telling people where the bathroom is, watching the show, hanging out and drinking free beer. Now, that may sound great to some of you, but there are three very important things to keep in mind: A) After about 15 minutes, even getting paid to do nothing is nauseatingly boring. B) Although improv is "unscripted," there is plenty of repetition from night to night... Hell, I was working the door tonight, and I heard a couple of the same jokes in both shows! C) All the actors at the club think they are SOOOOO effin' funny. We have this post-work pow-wow where we all sit in a circle in this freezing cold back room where all the cast members can smoke cigarettes inside, crack lame jokes and discuss how the show went while the staff members sit there silently and stare at them. I have only tried to speak once and I was interrupted, so I gave up.

---------------------------------------

...AND ANOTHER THING: Don't forget that it is daylight whats-ama-jigger tonight... you know... the weekend when you have a killer excuse to go to work an hour late on Monday. I just looked at the clock and saw that it was 3:30. I was like, "I only had, like, 3 beers!! How the hell could an hour and a half go by while I'm writing this!?

Pain in the Blog

So I guess I missed another day there yesterday... to be honest, I really don't care. I got up late, ran a whole bunch of errands, and tried to write an Autoblog, and then went to Boulder. I never even thought about this all day. It brings me to two conclusions: 1) This is really starting to become a pain in my ass: It is supposed to be a helpful, even fun exercise to help my writing, but it ends up being a chore. I feel obligated to do it every day and most of the time I just don't want to and it ends up sucking and making me feel even worse about my writing. 2) No matter how enjoyable a job seems to be at first, it becomes boring and tedious after about a month. I will never be happy at any job, ever. It's a good thing the only thing worse than work is unemployment.

I don't know what to say... This has been a crappy, crappy week both professionally and existentially. I guess I had to make up for undeserved contentment last week.

It reminds me of the quote by Ray Liotta in Blow: "Sometimes you're flush and sometimes you're bust. When you're up it's never as good as it seems, and when you're down you never think you'll be up again, but life goes on."

Excuse me? What did you just blog?

So I woke up today tired and cranky, and I was really tempted to go back to bed like I always do. I figured it was time to actually get some work done for once, though, so instead I drank a pot of coffee and wrote 4 Autoblogs. I know that's not much, but I have to work at the club tonight too, so overall it will be a very productive day. If only I could say that for the rest of the week... Anyway I think I did a good thing today and I am going to try to see if I use that energy to like, slingshot around the weekend and come out with good momentum next week. It's worth a shot and I have to work rather than go out on Saturday night so there is a chance.

Anywho... Did anybody see the new South Park last night? For those who didn't, Trey and Matt have taken their attempts to be offensive to a new level. For shock value, the n-word was used about 35-50 times throughout the episode. And it wasn't the soft "ga" sound on the end either. It was a real hard, redneck, "gerrrr." Naturally am not offended by this, because I choose not to be, but I can imagine that many people would say it is in bad taste. It's not that I disagree, it's just that you have to consider the context.

For one thing, no black person is ever referred to with the n-word; the first time it is by accident (on national TV) and then for the rest of the episode, people refer to him as "that n----- guy" in disgust for his intolerance. Michael Richards and Mark Fuhrman(sp?) also both appear in the episode to defend themselves, so there is the social commentary aspect. But most importantly there is the sub-plot, in which a little person tries to give a speech on the derogatory term "midget" while Cartman laughs hysterically. He keeps saying that words are like bullets, and they are only powerful as long as you let them be, but he keeps freaking out and ends up fighting Cartman.

I'm not sure what the message is but there are 2 things I took from it: 1) Everyone feels bad from time to time because of the words that other people say to us, even if we try not to, but nobody else knows what it feels like to be black and hear someone use the n-word... nothing else compares. 2) Nevertheless, it is true that words like that are only as powerful as we let them be. Like I said, the word was never used disparagingly, but it was discussed honestly and openly without saying "n-word" all the time as if just uttering the syllables would turn us into ranting bigots. Most people would agree that it is never okay to say that word, but I disagree. What if you are reading Frederick Douglass's autobiography in school? Should only the black students be called upon to read aloud?

Anyway, if you just tell yourself you are not going to be offended by a cartoon and give it a chance, you will see that behind the offensive language and farts jokes is the most poignant, biting satire of contemporary American society in mass media.

Here I am... Blog you like a Hurricane

Here is my writing class assignment for this week, in case you are interested. I have eliminated the identity of my main character for his protection. Sorry it's not, like, funny or creative:

Ever since the fourth grade, C----- B------ has been drawn to the power of rock and roll music. “I was into guitar solos,” he explains, “I liked Dire Straits a lot… and Bruce Springsteen.” The sound of the guitar seemed almost mystical to his young ears, and he was eager to learn more about it. Two years later, he began taking guitar lessons, and a life-long passion for music began. He has attended lessons off and on since then, made friends in the music community, and played several gigs in small venues; all the while amassing an impressive collection of tapes, CD’s, and concert ticket stubs to feed his music addiction. After seemingly settling down to live and work for several years in Telluride, CO, however, C-----’s desire to make a living as a musician shifted into high gear.

After admitting to himself that he was not born with the talent of Hendrix, C----- decided that he needed more structure in order to become a serious musician. He applied to the D---- University music program last spring, and was somewhat surprised when he was not only accepted, but given a partial scholarship. Since his arrival in the fall he has dedicated himself completely to his studies, leaving little time for social or recreational pursuits. While he has definitely benefited from being in an environment with like-minded people, C----- does admit that he is sometimes frustrated with the rigors of academic life: “I don’t like learning, but I like to have learned something, you know? Learning makes you feel stupid at first, because you think, ‘Oh man, I don’t know any of this stuff.’ Once you have learned something you feel smart, because you think, ‘Oh, I know all about that.’”

Nevertheless, C----- remains dedicated to his studies and his craft, a fact reflected by his excellent grades in the fall and early spring. When asked why he is so committed to his goal, C---- openly admits to a greater than average reliance on music. “I’m not very articulate with words,” he concedes, “I can express myself so much better with music.” By focusing on his work at DU, C---- helps to hone that expressive ability and find his own musical “voice.” Although he insists that his main concern is just not wasting his life, and that he would be proud to work in a soup kitchen or invent a revolutionary agricultural technique, C----- feels that talents would best serve the greater good if applied to artistic pursuits. “Music,” he concludes, “unites people like nothing else can, because notes and melodies can say so many things that words can’t.”

Two guys walk into a blog...

The plan bee that I got today is no good. I'll come back to it. Instead: A man walks into a bar, but it isn't a bar.

As Donald Wilks parked his beat-up sedan in front of the back-country saloon, he couldn't help but notice that there did not seem to be any other vehicles around. The door was wide open, though, and as he peaked his head into the dark, musty room he saw that it had been out of operation for some time. Many of the floorboards were loose and rotting, such that Donald dared not take a step past the doorway, and the lack of tables or chairs seemed to indicate that scavangers had picked the place clean over time.

As he turned to leave, Donald thought he heard a noise... a soft shuffling. He turned to look and was instantly floored by a savage blow to the head. He sheilded himself as best he could as his assailant began kicking his back and ribs, but quickly realized that his only hope was to fight back. He quickly whipped out his switchblade and jammed into his attacker's ankle, sending him instantly to the ground. Donald, taking advantage of his opportunity, pounced on top of the supine enemy, pinning both his arms with his knees and holding the bloody knife up to his throat.

"How did you find me?," the man asked. Donald replied that he was in no mood to explain himself, but that he would have plenty of time to put all the pieces together in prison. "I will tell you one thing, though," he chuckled, "you fight almost as badly as you kidnap. Maybe you should think about another line of work."

To blog the unbloggable dream...

Well, the unthinkable has happened: I forgot to post yesterday. You know what that means...

I'm sorry. I let myself down... but more importantly I let you, my millions of adoring fans down. Here is a fun little thing to start the next string of consecutive days. I have to use homonyms, homophones, and homographs:

Billy and Mark playfully shoved each other as they ran from stall to stall at the County Fair. There was a large crowd over by the farm displays, and the two struggled to get close enough, but they squeezed their way to the front of the crowd just as a large, red curtain was being pulled back. When they saw the size of the pumpkin that the farmer revealed, the boys were awed; the sign below the huge orange globe said that it weighed over 200 pounds, but the official weight had not yet been determined. The competition began only 30 minutes later, but Billy and Mark could hardly wait. After asking the farmer every possible question about the pumpkin, they finally decided to make their way over to the main stage where the official weigh station was located. There they waited for a short period, until finally the bleachers began to fill with people and the entries were brought on stage. The final weight of the pumpkin was determined to be 252 lbs. 5 oz., more than 75lbs more than the next biggest. As the crowd waited for the trophy presentation, however, a man suddenly ran onto the stage, shouting, "Wait! Do not give this man a prize! His pumpkin is artificially weighted!" He proceeded to demonstrate the way in which the clever farmer had added weight to his pumpkin, but ran off the stage and disappeared before waiting to hear any ruling. The farmer was nonetheless disqualified for his dishonesty, and will end up waiting at least five years before he will be allowed to enter the contest again.

It's a blog eat blog world

Thanks, Holly.

I think yesterday's story had potential to be a lot longer and I could continue it here but I don't really want to. Sure I could have told a long story, but it would be a long, boring story. The idea of a bank robbery is so cliched, unless you have some new, crazy way to escape or open a safe it's just not worth writing. It was a learning experience though, and I'm glad I did it so that now I will never do it again.

Also, I have an exciting announcement. Yesterday, I received a check in the mail from Philadelphia Research for $75. I know that is not a lot, and it's for a research paper rather than fiction, but it marks the first time in my life that I have been paid for writing something. From what I understand, a person who gets paid to write stuff is known as a "writer." Although in my case it is preceded by "freelance," it's still pretty cool to say, ahem... "I am a (freelance) writer." Yeah, I like the sound of that. Cheers.

Today's plan bee is way more up my alley: Write a scene that depends on the failure of a reasonable expectation (anchorman refusing to speak, faucet w/ something other than water, etc.)

Oh my God, you guys, I have to tell you about this crazy new store in my town. It's called "Plastic." Last week, me and my friend Kelly were at the mall and we saw that they had this new store. So, we go check it out and it is like, unbelievable. They have like, a separate room for all the major designers, and all these crazy lights and loud music... It was awesome. We started picking out all these clothes to try on, and you wouldn't believe how cheap they were!

We each picked out like 4 or 5 things in the end, but when went to pay, it was the weirdest thing. The woman at the desk told me how much it would be, but when I start counting out the money she just laughs and goes, "Sorry, honey. Plastic only." I was like, "We've only got cash from babysitting, what do you want us to do?" She picks up the credit card machine and goes, "Does this look like a cash register to you? We can't accept cash." Can you believe that? Me and Kelly were like, "Whatever, what the hell kind of store doesn't take cash?" And she goes, "This one, and if you can't pay for these things, you'll have to leave," and starts like, pushing us out the door. We were so mad, and Kelly was all like, "F*%# you lady. We can pay, but you won't let us." And she's like, "Come back when you have a charge card." It was crazy... I can't wait to get a debit card.

World's Worst Blog

Write about the one that refuses to fit in:

I had the plan in mind before I even handed in the application. It was simple really. Everyone knows that the hardest part of robbing a bank is the getaway. The way I figure, the getaway is only a problem is the bank knows it's being robbed. If I were the bank manager, for example, I could just drop in whenever I pleased, take as much as I wanted, and have a new face and name before anyone was the wiser.

I have always been honest and hardworking, and I have some accounting and managerial experience, so getting the job wasn't as difficult as I expected. Hell, the money and benefits weren't even that bad. Certainly better than my last job, but to tell you the truth, this wasn't really about the money. I wasn't doing too bad financially, and there is really nothing I needed that I didn't have. I was just sick and tired of eeking by unnoticed as a corporate lackey.

From the moment I walked in the first day I knew it would be a piece of cake. The job did itself; a trained monkey could have done it. which gave me plenty of time to study the habits and schedules of my coworkers.

--I feel like this is an interesting excercise, and this is kind of a good/crappy start, but this is shaping up to be a long one and I just don't have the energy right now. I was up until about 4 writing an urgent paper and then got up at 7 to finish it, and I have to be at the comedy club in about an hour so this is going to have to wait. Sorry.--

A blog without sarcasm is just homework

Yesterday's story went over pretty well in class. I had to go first, so I was really nervous. I thought that was weird because public speaking is usually my thing but I guess it's been a while. Anyway, we all had to comment on each other's stuff although we were only allowed to say positive things so it was hardly "honest feedback." It was good ego padding though, here are some excerpts:

"Great ending" "Captivating and interesting" "What mystery!... made it compelling!"
My favorite is the professor though: "Great intro - action - tension - danger - suprise ending - humor" ...I guess that is enough horn tooting.

On to today's Plan Bee assignment:
(I want to keep it short today, but I'm going to start varying the length more.)

Write about the inexplicable menace in a seemingly neutral object:

--WE INTERRUPT YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED BLOG TO BRING YOU THIS URGENT PRESIDENTAL ADDRESS --

My fellow Americans, it is my sad duty to report to you this evening that the United States is once again at war. The enemy is not halfway around the world, and he doesn't fight with guns or bombs or even planes; he is right here in our very homes, putting our friends and family at risk. That's right, I'm talking about iced cream. Ice cream, especially after a meal of fast food, is the leading cause of spare tires, camel toes and front-butts, afflictions which plague this great nation. My fellow Americans, I call upon you to gather your courage and take a stand against this senseless consumption of congealed cream, only together will we rid ourselves of Ben, Jerry, Hagen, and the Bryer coalition. Good luck, and God bless.

Untitled blog

I think this color scheme and everything aptly accompanies the slight change in format that CSG is undergoing. Please note, as well, that my posts on the Daily Blitz are moving to a primetime spot on Tuesdays, beginning yesterday.

I know this is kind of a copout, but I have my writing class tonight and I thought some people might be interested in reading the assignment that I am going to have to read in front of the class. It is not exactly a "true" story in the purest sense, but would qualify as "Nonfiction." Kind of like A Million Tiny Pieces. I hope someone enjoys it.

Assignment for 2/28/07 – “I forgot who I was”

When I hit the water, I immediately went into panic mode. I forgot who I was, where I was, and most importantly, how I got in the water to begin with. My sole concern was my immediate survival, but due to this temporary amnesia, my brain and body struggled to communicate with one another. I tried desperately to calm myself and take stock of the situation. This is what I knew:
1) I was in the water.
2) The water was cold.
3) There was something white floating a bit further out.

Using these pieces of information, my brain concluded that either I had fallen into the water accidentally, or I had purposely jumped in to rescue the mysterious white object from the pond’s icy grip. I guess my body chose option B to be on the safe side, because I swam out to get it before returning to the shore.

As I pulled myself up, I was pleasantly surprised to find that I had had the foresight to leave my shoes and cell phone on dry land before taking the plunge. I gathered my things and stuck each soggy foot into its respective shoe before beginning the long walk back to my dorm, but stopped at the first streetlamp to inspect my treasure. I had known was it was from the moment I grabbed it, but I couldn’t force myself to accept the truth until I saw it in the light.

A faint buzz from the lamp was the only sound as I looked down and shook my head. The object that I had risked hypothermia to retrieve was a crumpled paper plate from the pizzeria down the street.

Nowhere to run to, nowhere to blog

If you haven't seen The Warriors you should: Violence, cheesey music, themed gangs all dressed alike, etc.

Today's assignment -Write about something on the verge of collapse: building, bridge, marriage, contest, institution, alliance, certainty

(obviously to be creative I should shoose something original and not a suggestion)

Do you know what an ulcer feels like? An ulcer feels like having a knife stuck in your gut from the inside. Every time the phone rings, everytime I look at my computer, it feels like someone is twisting the knife around and I think I'm going to puke. I can't go on much longer like this. Sixty hours a week is too much.

I don't understand, I was on the fast-track to success. I have a great job, a fast car, a big house, a hot wife, and an even hotter girlfriend. I am envied by every man I know and yet this morning I sat in the garage with the car running for ten minutes before opening the door. I don't know what made me decide that coming to work was better than death, but I was wrong. This is much worse. There are six more hours before I can go home, but even in my home there is no sanctuary from myself.

The highlight of my day is my commute. Some days I pray for a traffic jam so that I can spend just a little more time away from home and work. Today, though, is the end of all of this. I am already beginning to feel a bit woozy, and it shouldn't be much longer now. Too bad I couldn't have just had a heart attack and died happy ten years ago.

Winter Blog Warning Continues

Considering that part of this thing is supposed to be a daily writing excercise I feel like the days when I don't say anything or just recap what I did are totally useless. That said, I don't think writing less is going to help me solve that problem. In light of this fact I have decided to go in the opposite direction. I will continue to write every day, but now instead of always trying to come up with something off the top of my head, if I don't have anything right away I will revert to the newly formed Plan Bee.

Plan Bee: My smart, beautiful, and incredibly articulate girlfriend gave me this book for my birthday called "The Pocket Muse: Endless Inspiration" and in addition to its helpful hints for starting writers it has great little mini-assignments to get you writing. Some of these will be more interesting for others, but it's about growth, you know. Plus this is really more to help me than you so what difference does it make. If you don't want to read it I'm not trying to force you.

Anyway here goes: Open an imaginary door, what do you see?

Ninjas. There are ninjas everywhere. There appears to be one dressed in white in the center but I can barely make him out in the sea of black uniforms that envelopes him. More repel down from the broken skylights, but I notice an ever increasing pile of unnaturally heaped bodies around the center scuffle.

It is tempting to run but as I turn I find that I am unable to leave. My katana is totally stuck on the doorframe. I try to pry it loose but the string from the sheath somehow got wrapped around the hinge. I could probably just pull it straight off but it might rip and the whole thing will eventually come unravelled. -->

As I consider my options a deathly hush comes over the room and I suddenly realize that it is too late. 2,000 ninjas in black are standing motionless, staring at me and my bright red uniform, and the one in white is quitely sneaking out the back door. It is true that my actions saved his life this day, but please don't call me a hero. Call me a moron because I took that fool's beating for him. Plus somebody stole my katana anyway. Assholes.

Ah, who gives a blog?

So , if you like dumb comedy, Reno 911 Miami is for you. It's even dumber and funnier than the show. I smell Oscar.

If you want to see something that I like put some effort into or something you should check out the DailyBlitz. I promise to put more effort in this week, although I am thinking I should bring the daily posting to an end in an effort to make the posts I do put up more interesting.

Make my blog the P-Funk

I can't wait to get funked up. Should be quite a good time.

Work last night was ok. The job is super easy and I got 2 free beers but the actors think improv is funny and are a bit full of themselves.

Today we went to the natural history museum and watched a IMAX movie on Everest. That is really all I have to say.

Blog not, 'lest ye be blogged.

So I was cleaning the barthroom today... I didn't want to, but a certain female houseguest had to be appeased. As I was scrubbing the filthy, filthy floor to a squeaky (or at least moderately) clean shine, I noticed that my generic Mr. Clean is called Fabuloso. Is it just me or is that really racist? It seems that bathroom cleaning supplies people have decided that Americans are too lazy to buy their own cleaning products, let alone clean their own house, and have begun marketing directly to the Mexican janitor/maid/indentured servant niche. It's not funny, it's just sad.

Tonight, you can find me in da club. Da comedy club dat is! That's right, it shall be my first night of work in the illustrious improv comedy industry. Science only knows what kind of funny, humourous, or comical situations I may find myself in in the box office!! Tune in tomorrow for all the juicy details as well as an exciting preview of next week's blog about not having anything to blog about!!

Anything else for you blogs?

One more useless day. Didn't do a damn thing. That's not true, I wrote an Autoblog post and I did revisions on an article I wrote before but that's it.

Class was pretty cool last night. We did 3 writing assignments just in the first 2 hours. None were particularly difficult or long but it was interesting to hear what other people came up with. Some people are dumb. Others are quite impressive.

Tonight's dinner was incredibly expensive yet delicious. That's all. No commentary today. I will try to be hilarious tomorrow to make up for it because I plan on doing a bunch of stuff.

Bloggin' it old school

What a beautiful day. It's so pretty out it makes you want to curse.

Started the day off right w/ coffee and frolf, then lunch at Casa Alvarez (again) before attempting a hike with some friends who were out of shape and bailed.

Now it's time for b-day nappy-poo to get ready for my first writing class. All other work, including attempting to be funny in this blog is temporarily on hold. I do have a project due Sunday morning though so I have something to do tomorrow before I go to the comedy club for paper work and out for dinner with lots of people.

Thank blog for the Internet

So I started the Spanish Autoblog today, I wrote two posts for a grand total of $20 but unfortunately the site doesn't go public until March 1 so those of you that speak (or read) Spanish will have plenty to look at in a couple of weeks.

In better news, I kicked some serious ass last week at www.Demockeracy.com! In addition to getting another rediculous "News in Briefs" piece accepted I also got an Honorable Mention in this weeks essay contest. Obviously, I still get no money but I was only a few steps away from 50 bones, or clams, or whatever you call them.

The research paper thing is really starting to piss me off. Last night at 11:30 (1:30 AM in Philadelphia where they are based ) I responded to a project within 7 minutes and I still didn't get it. They claim to have writer's world wide so I guess it was during the workday somewhere but GRRRRRRRRR.

Tomorrow is a special day because I will be both one day and one year older than I am today. I must admit this year has been WAY better than any in recent history. Time to celebrate with Mexican food and drink.

Salud!

I blog it, but I don't understand it

I think it about time that somebody said something about this:

If I hear one more politician or CEO blame "a complete breakdown of communication" for their mistakes I am just going to lose it. It started with the Katrina debacle, with Bush and Brown saying they had no idea what was going to happen even though we have actual video of them being told that the levees will break and everything and they say their not worried. When they say "communication" they really mean "listening." Other people were doing plenty of communicating but no one in power was listening.

Last week Ed Rendell apologized for people being stranded on I-78 in Pennsylvania. The reason? No communication. PennDOT didn't know what the Police were up to and visa versa. How the HELL is this possible in this day and age? Everybody has a cell phone, and last time I checked the cops have had radios for at least 50 years now! That excuse is unacceptable. That's like coming into class and saying you don't have your homework because the printer was out of paper. The thing that pisses me off the most is that people accept this! "Oh, you couldn't communicate, it's not your fault then... "

And today I see this: "David G. Neeleman, [Jet Blue's] founder and chief executive, told The New York Times in Monday's editions that he was "humiliated and mortified" by the breakdown in the airline's operations. He promised that the company would pay penalties if customers were stranded on a plane for too long. He said the crises was the result of poor communications and reservation systems."

When is this going to stop? When will someone important point out that of all the excuses, this just adds insult to injury? We know for a fact that today's technology allows the fastest, easiest, most portable lines of communication in the history of the world, and yet when someone feeds us a load of crap like this we gobble it up and ask for 2 more disastrous servings. The ancient Greeks had people running marathons to deliver messages and they still could have figured these messes out faster than George Bush with speed dial and a Blackberry.

It's a beautiful blog in the neighborhood

The Roots put on quite a show. The only problem is that their crowd is a bunch of morons. When you go to a lot of concerts there is a certain etiquette that must be learned, and these people had none. It was really annoying.

This is the other thing I hate about the Fillmore, which is apparently now owned by the bastards at Clear Channel:

They can't stop advertising to you for five seconds. I got a wristband, obviously I am planning on buying a drink already (despite it being the most expensive of any club in the Denver/Boulder area). Is it really necessary to advertise beer ON the wristband?

And another thing: Who the hell goes to a concert wearing earplugs? I can see if you worked in a venue or something but who says, "You know... I think I would like to go to a concert tonight, but I want it to sound like I'm listening to the show from the parking lot."

It's a blog-blog situation! Everybody blogs!

Wow, I am really scraping the barrel of the blog puns...

I have officially been hired by the Comedy club, so I will probably start next Friday. My sides hurt already... The travel writing class was not quite what I expected but I totally dominated the Q&A session so I think I got my money's worth. Now let's see if I can put any of it into practice.

Don't forget to check me out tomorrow at www.TheDailyBlitz.org as my post there is sure to be better than this one. I must admit it is written with a certain degree of absurdity, so you may find either mildly amusing and give a little chortle or completely idiotic and wish I hadn't wasted your time.

Thoughts from today's commute to school: What the hell is the deal with radio station bumper stickers? How desperate can you be to cover up the rust spots on the back of your beat-up sedan that you would actually be seen with one of those monstrosities on your vehicle? I mean seriously, can't you get like a whole box of "It's a child, not a choice." bumper stickers from your local bible thumper for free?

(after writing this, just now I have decided... From now on in my life I will refer to Christian bumper stickers as "Thumper Stickers")

I had to come back because I felt like a picture. Too bad Colorado doesn't look like this right now. The other thing is I need to rant about something real quick: Call Centers. I think by this point we have all accepted the fact that when you call a customer service hotline, the odds are pretty good that you will be talking to someone from another country because everyone outsources their call centers. That said, why does the guy need to come on and tell me in the thickest Indian accent possible, "My name is Sean, How can I help you?" You're name is not Sean and you know it. I can barely understand you, there is no way you are going to hide the fact that you are Indian and not American. Why can't they just say their real names? What difference does it make? I have no problem with outsourcing or accents or anything, more power to 'em. I just think that it shows a certain amount of ignorance and/or racism on the part of the manager to make sure his employees pretend they are from somewhere else.

This one goes out to my blawgs on da east side

So the comedy show was cancelled last night due to lack of audience but I didn't find out until I drove to downtown denver, paid for 2 hrs at a parking meter, and walked 3 and a half blocks in the freezing cold. I was very pleased. To keep a long story long, I have to go back tonight and won't be able to start actually working until next week.

On the plus side, I have my travel writing class tomorrow. It is only like 3 hours long and it only meets once so I can't imagine what we will do to get our money's worth but it should be interesting nonetheless. Also tomorrow night The (Legendary) Roots (Crew) will be here in Denver so that should be a sick show.

That's all for now, but here is a piece of advice for the future: If you ever want to get someone to do something, just call them softcore. Just be like, "Yeah, I figured you'd say that, only hardcore people are into this," and they will come running. Everybody wants to be hardcore.

The blogs are back in town

So tonight is the big night, I'm going to the comedy show and will hopefully be hired as well. The funny thing is I finally heard back from the Spanish Autoblog people that I applied to last week and they want me too. It doesn't rain but it pours, you know?

So as of now I have the following employment:
Spanish Autoblog: 30-60 posts per month, $10 per post
Philadelphia Research: By assignment, first come first served
Impulse Comedy Theatre (tentative): 2 nights/week for chicken scratch
Daily Blitz: 1 blog per week, unpaid

That's still not much but it will pay the rent because I live in a poorly-lit, poorly-heated, poorly-decorated, poorly-maintained soon-to-be-crack-house in a semi-affluent area.

Other than that I have absolutely fudge-all to report.

Here's a thought from last weekend's show: Buying two beers at once during the second set because the line is too long is such a moronic idea, you must have had at least two beers to come up with it. Considering how long it takes for alcohol to soak into your system, getting a 16 oz. beer for $6 plus tip anytime after setbreak is like throwing money directly into the urinal.

True blog is hardest to find...

A Valentine's Day consolation to you from despair.com:

Well, it's that time of year again, when thousands of dateless losers will watch movies alone in the dark and pig out on candy they bought for themselves. I can't remember exactly, this is either the second or third Valentines day in my life that I have actually had a girlfriend. And to be quite honest, today sucks just as much when you are in a couple as when you are single.

Sure, I'm not lonely, so I am not hit by the same side of it as usual. This year I have decided to sound off against the blatantly capatalistic nature of this faux holiday. At least for christmas they commericalized a holiday that already existed. For Valentine's day it would appear that M&M Mars, the Rose-Growers Association of America and Hallmark all got together and were like, "Ok we need people to spend money sometime between Christmas and Easter... How about a bullshit holiday where we guilt people into spending money to prove that they love their significant other?" And so it was...

Blog 1, check... check 1, 2... check, check

Jerry, could you pull the high end out? I'm still getting a lot of hiss-back.

Ok, that's much better.

So yesterday was a very productive day. In addition to going for a walk and writing a blog about it, I got my first paid writing assignment. It was due this morning at 10am Eastern time but I finished it last night anyway. It was 5 pages and they paid me $75 which is $15 a page or 25 cents a word which is awesome for my first project, especially considering how easy it was.

I almost got one today that was 13 pages for $140 and wasn't due for 2 weeks but I was too slow. It seems being the first one to respond when interesting jobs are posted is going to be the main challenge here but I am going to make a business investment to get email on my cell phone so I will always be on the ball.

Today I am just sitting here waiting for more assignments to come out but tomorrow is the dreaded V-day so maybe I should plan for that or try to get some other work done to free up tomorrow for my significant other.

I saw the sign, and blogged about it

You know what really pisses me off? Signs that don't make sense. The only thing worse is a sign that makes perfect sense at first, until the moron who put it up explains that in his little world it means something completely different and gets pissed at me for not seeing the moron's interpretation first. Case in point:

There is a coffee shop in Boulder that I go to a lot. In the window next to the door, there is a sign that says "Bad dogs make bad shoppers- no biting, peeing or pooping." Now I know most places in the U.S. (especially restaurants) don't allow dogs, but I remember seeing that sign and thinking, "That's cool that they recognize that not all dogs are bad and allow well behaved ones." Today, I was up in Boulder hanging out with my friend's dog and I decided to take her for a walk and get some coffee since we weren't far. When we came in a guy ran up and said, "You can't have a dog in here, it is a health code violation!" Now this is about what you would expect anywhere else but due to the sign I was very confused. I took the dog outside and tied her up and when I came back I asked about the sign. "Well behaved dogs are allowed outside," the guy explained, "you can't have a dog inside a restaurant anywhere in boulder."

Well no shit, Sherlock. I didn't need a freaking sign to know that dogs were allowed OUTSIDE, that's the only place they are always allowed!!! And even if that is the case, why the hell would you post the sign INSIDE the restaurant?? I realize that the message he was trying to convey was all true but the fact of the matter is that this is a case in which the sign does more to confuse the sign reader than convey information. In fact, you would probably be much better off with no sign at all than with a sign that conveys the exact OPPOSITE of what you mean!!!

It probably wouldn't have bothered me so much if they hadn't been such dicks about it, like I was the idiot for not knowing "well behaved dogs only" meant "no dogs allowed." I wasn't even really greatly inconvenienced, it just pissed me off how dumb they were.

Don't judge a blog by its cover

So, I think I got this job at the comedy club, they gave me free tickets to come see the show next Thursday and I bet I will start on Friday. I finally got an assignment in my area from the research paper people but it had already been taken by someone else so I guess the lesson is that I have to be more on top of that.

Bela kicked ass last night as usual but the Paramount Theater sucks because you have to sit the whole time. You can't dance, even if you want to and to top it off a Budweiser is 6 dollars. They don't even have micro brews on draft.

I guess I haven't said much recently that wasn't straightforward biographical crap so here is an attempt at being funny:

What's the deal with red light districts? Who decided on red? It seems to me a green light district would make a lot more sense. Or maybe yellow... you know, "Proceed with caution." The funny thing is that I didn't hear of this concept until I was pretty old, I was in the red light district in Amsterdam: I didn't realize there was anything odd about the place until I noticed that none of the cars were stopping.



Q: What's the difference between the weekend and the rest of the week in my life?
A: I feel bad about not getting any work done during the week.

Blog of the town

I have started getting assignments from this research paper company so I guess you could say I sort of have a job. I have only gotten three so far and 2 were on business and 1 was on psychology so I had to pass on all but it has only been like 18 hours so far so hopefully I will get some in my areas of expertise soon.

I will be going down to the comedy club today for an interview but unfortunately it is improv and not stand-up which is about the equivalent of signing up for a tennis club and finding out they really play ping-pong (table tennis). Comedy is comedy though and I get discounts at the bar so I guess it's not all bad. I'm still gonna apply.

Bela Fleck and the Flecktones tonight will mark the first of four straight Saturdays of awesome shows in the Denver/Boulder area. Next week I will see the Roots, then P-Funk, and then Robert Randolph. It's gonna be sveet.

Blog is cheap

So I have good news, bad news, and regular news:

The bad news is it appears that commonties doesn't want my story again this week. Boo Hoo.

The good news is that I got a response from a job I had long assumed I wouldn't get and they like me so I am going to send in the contract today. It is freelance work writing research papers. I sent them one of mine from college and they liked it so we will see how that goes.

The regular news which is also kind of good is that Impulse Comedy Theatre in Denver is Hiring. It's not great news because I don't have the job yet but it is pretty much my dream job. The money ain't great but I get to hang out with comedians all the time. I have to go in tomorrow to talk with them.

If I get this part time job and write one or two research papers a week I will finally have something resembling a livable income. Wouldn't that be nice?

I'm still waiting to hear back from relix.com about my latest music review, but if they don't like it they will at least tell me why so I'm sure it won't be long now. The only question is whether or not I should try to write another one about Bela Fleck this weekend.

I blog, therefore I am.

Another lost day. They just fade like farts in the wind.

I spoke with an accomplished writer yesterday who basically informed me that breaking into the writing world was a long, slow process. I knew that but I don't think we had the same scale in mind. I was thinking years, he was talking decades.

I feel like I'm just killing time until my class starts because I honestly haven't got the foggiest clue what the hell I am doing when it comes to creative writing. In the meantime it is becoming painfully obvious that writing is going to have to become more of a hobby than a job at the moment otherwise I am going to be out on the street. The problem is I don't want to do anything. As soon as I find a job I'll start to hate that too and want to quit that and go back to doing something else.

Will someone please just tell me where the grass is greenest for once and for all?

The problem with my generation is that we would rather skip the entire work cycle of adulthood and go directly from college to retirement. Or maybe that's just me... Why is it that when I was paying to go to school I didn't mind working but now that I need to work to get paid I can't stand it?

On your mark, get set, BLOG!!!

OK, comedy... Let's see, what's in the news?

Well, I apparently got 3 more visitors from China yesterday and one from the UK so either word is getting out or I am unwittingly hosting a link to some secret fetish porn site or something.

Also, the big news is that I have now earned over $1.25 for my articles on Helium.com!!! At this rate I will have the $25 required to request payment in under 2 years!!!



Oh yeah, I can almost taste it now.

Also I just saw the box-office smash Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan last night. It is pretty much exactly what you would expect. Sacha Baron Cohen goes around doing this character that people seem to believe is a real person to varying degrees. Sometimes people make asses of themselves without him having to do anything at all, which is funny. Most of the time though, he makes an ass out of himself trying to get a reaction out of people and its just kind of sad. You feel bad for the people who are just trying to do their jobs while he is acting like a moron.

Like sands through the hour glass... so are the days of my blog

Yeah that's right. You didn't think I knew anything about soap operas, did you?

Anyway I have a couple of exciting announcements: First off, one of my pieces was accepted by Demockeracy.com this week. Naturally, it wasn't the one you get paid for but progress is progress. It is totally ridiculous I know but sometimes comedy has to be that way.

Also, yesterday was sort of a weird day in terms of visitors because my hit counter says I got two different visitors from China, one from Bolivia, and one from Sweden all within 4 minutes or so of each other. If that is for real it means that my blog has been seen in 6 countries on 5 continents!! However, none of them stayed long or viewed more than one page, which makes me think it was some sort of like encryption or whatever that like terrorist hackers do so you can't see where they are.

You know, the scene in movies where they set up this web of connections all over the world and you see like James Bond or the FBI or something on another computer gradually figuring out the web while there is a countdown and the boss drinks coffee and smokes cigarettes going "Come on, come on!!"

I think maybe it was something like that, but if not its still pretty cool.

A picture is worth a thousand blogs

Well my prediction was a bit off. The Colts kicked ass but it was not the Peyton Manning show, unfortunately. Also, my brisket ended up tough so that was also a disappointment. This was my highlight:




This week will be more of the same, but it won't be long now until my classes start. At the moment it is looking like I am going to need to get a part time job but its should be truly part time and not 20 hours a week spread out over 5 days so it's just a full time job that pays shit. I need the money and maybe it will inspire me... Especially if it is a crappy job, then I would have lots to write about.

Speaking of which, The CommonTies essay this week is on work, so I think I will write about washing dishes. Also, I finally heard back from a source for one of my Newspaper articles that I have been waiting for for about 3 weeks now so maybe I can finally do that. Head's up for the response from Relix.com, shouldn't be long now.

This is harder than it looks. Contrary to what you would expect from the tuition costs and egos of the administrators, people don't hire you just because you went to a school with an endowment bigger than the defense budget... it has to be the same school as the guy doing the hiring.

SuperBlog Sunday

Today is the day that a certain team from a certain city famous for their Polish sausage is going to get their asses handed to them by a certain quarterback who is as predictable as he is unstoppable.

Also- Please direct your attention to the newest (Canadian) outlet for my angry creativity: www.TheDailyBlitz.org

That's me, eh. Iright Daley, holding it down on the north side ah da bordah.

Oh, for the love of Blog!!!

"I used to work at home, but I got fired for sleeping on the job"
--- Is that funny? I can't tell.

Well the verdict is in on the transcription job, it's a no-go. It's hard to be pissed though because the guy actually responded to tell me that they were going with someone else. He was a real class-act. Also, I handed in a new concert review to Relix.com and I finally heard from my boy in NYC about the Newspaper so that is good too.

Now, on to the topic one every one's mind: The Really Big (some might even say "Super") Bowl. Now as someone who could not possibly care less about the result of a football game without heavy sedation, I will obviously not be "rooting" for one team or another. Instead my loyalty is being pulled in both directions for non-athletic reasons.

First off, after hearing the matchup, any "Superfans" super-fan in his right mind is required to yell, "Da Bears!!" or maybe even don a hula skirt and coconut bra:



Second, there is the sort of societal/philosophical issue of Peyton Manning. After hearing so much crap about Michael Vick and like Steve McNair and those mobile quarterbacks that are so dangerous because they can run as well as pass, it is really refreshing to see a slow white guy who does nothing but stand in the pocket and throw perfect passes still kick ass. You know what he is going to do but you still can't stop it.

Prediction:

Bearssss - Twenty Tree
Colts - Forty Fife.... But Peyton will be held to 6 TD passes.

All quiet on the western blog

No news is good news? Not in the writing world. "No news" actually translates to:

"BREAKING NEWS- WE DON'T WANT YOUR CRAPPY ARTICLE!"

So another contest goes by at commonties.com and once again I have missed my chance at $200. Oh, well, I guess I'll try again next week. I turned in the Spanish Autoblog articles last night so that is still a possibilty and I haven't heard back about the transcription job.

Also I get my last paycheck from my old job today so while that will keep me afloat for a little while longer it also marks the passing of a lot of time since I started doing this without any progress. I am really looking forward to my classes because hopefully I will get better. I can write, I just am so used to writing research and stuff that I don't know how to write w/o citations and crap like that.

I'm sure as soon as I get into a classroom setting this will be much easier because it will go from being real work to school work. I will be doing the same thing, but I will be instantaneously better at it because it is for school. It's funny the way it works but I know school credit gives me this weird motivation that makes me kick ass.

We want the Blog! Give us that Blog!

So, in this book I am reading, there is a balding guy with a comb-over who makes a lot of money and buys a toupee. I think this is sort of supposed to be a joke because if you had that much money it wouldn't matter what your hair looked like anyway and also because if you were that vain you could afford hair transplants or something more realistic looking.

Anyway, the point is I started thinking how strange it is that a toupee is seen as such a target of mockery in this society, meanwhile women with fake breasts are accepted and respected. Well maybe not respected but you get the idea: most men would go out with a woman with fake breast without batting an eyelash, whereas most women would need a lot of convincing to date a guy with a toupee.

It made me wonder if it is because of the price, or because men love breasts and women hate vain, insecure men. I think if you really think about it though, it is probably because a woman's implants aren't in danger of coming off in a stout breeze.

Ghostride da Blog!!

Just in case you weren't aware, please allow me to introduce you to the dumbest trend to come out of hip hop music since the Timberlands-with-the-tag-still-on debacle: "Ghostridin' da Whip."



Yeah, that's for real. Apparently some guy wrote the song you hear in the background and a bunch of geniuses decided to go out and try it. It's not just that one video though, there are hundreds, most with the same song in the background.

I learned about it today as I did research to write 3 trial articles for the Spanish version of AutoBlog.com. Anyone who knows me knows I have always been a real gear-head and I know a lot about cars including, but not limited to, how to drive one.

Also I would like to point out that yesterday was a very important day for my blog because we (The Royal "We") got a visitor from China. CSG is now proud to have hosted bored people slacking off at work from four different countries on three different continents. It's a good start but I have to admit I'd be doing better if I could think of a way to get the other 999,999,999 Chinese people to come check me out...

Ah, Crap

I forgot to mention in my earlier post that this Sunday, Feb 4, and every following Sunday, I will be the featured writer at www.TheDailyBlitz.org. To start, this will be in addition to my posts here, and will probably be much better thought out and written, but we will see how long that lasts. The topic this week will be a rant on things that are of no value to the world, and it may be considered "angry" by those who don't know how to blow little things way out of proportion for comedic purposes.

Bloggin' ain't easy, but it's neccessary...

...So I make you laugh like Curly, Moe and Larry.

That's definitely not true but it was the only rhyme I could think of that made any sense at all. Plus, to be a good rapper you have to be hyperbolically boastful so maybe that's the way to go.

Anyway I was walking my brother's dog last night and it suddenly occurred to me that "Man's Best Friend" is really a goodie-two-shoes. Think about it, they follow you wherever you go, do whatever you say, and never reject or question you. No wonder they called kids "Teacher's Pets" in school. The funny thing is that when I was a kid I hated brown-nosers, but I have always loved dogs. It made me wonder if maybe they are not as similar as I thought, but then I suddenly realized the discrepancy: I didn't like apple-polishers when I was a kid because they were my peers and we were all competing for the teacher's attention. With a dog, it's like I'm the teacher and it is the flip side of the coin because the pet is trying to get attention from me.

Not only does this explain why my feelings are different in the two situations, but if you think about it, it also explians why cats don't like dogs. Cats are the jocks and rebels in the classroom of pet ownership, so their natural instinct is to resent the well-behaved, attention getting dogs, and occasionally pummel an unsuspecting canine after gym class with a lighting-quick flash of claws and sandpaper toungue.

The blog stops here.

Actually, it starts here but my titles never have anything to do with anything so what difference does it make? I had an interesting series of thoughts in the car today, see if you can follow the logic:

I like this song, even though it has no lyrics. --> Huh, Most of my favorite songs have no words. --> Does that seem ironic to anyone else considering my choice of profession? (Note: This is a bit odd, no? Asking questions to a non-existant audience in your head?) --> In the writing world we are taught to believe that language is so important and whatnot, but music can communicate just as well, if not better, because it can be understood by anyone. --> Isn't it interesting the way music and dance are interrelated? --> Why does the human body react that way? --> When people hear rythmic music, nodding the head or tapping the toe is almost involuntary. --> Words can't create that kind of reaction.

I'm not sure if I learned anything from all this, it's not like I'm going to give up writing and become a musician now, I just think it is interesting the way the two are intertwined. Maybe I could write songs... Ah, but that get's us right back to the beginning; right between a marsh and a soft place (if you think about it is a much more logical place to get stuck).

Also, be sure to tune in next week when I'll show you how to suprise your significant other by turning an ordinary photo of GWB into a sexy, Valentine's Day version of Neptune, God of the Sea!!

Blog or get off the pot

I think I have reached the official two-week mark of doing the freelance writing thing. I can't say that I have any paying gigs yet but I do have some of my most promising leads to date and a couple of good nonployment opportunities as well. Things are definitely moving slowly but moving nonetheless, and I just made some changes to my daily routine that I think should improve both creativity and productivity.

Here is my old schedule:

9 or 10: Get up, Shower, Coffee, Dump

11ish: Sit at computer, email, screw around, try to write

6ish- 12: Dinner, TV/movie, Dessert, More sitting at the computer

And here is my new one:

9: Get up, Shower, Coffee, Dump, Check email, Read (blog/novel/study)

12ish: Lunch, Write (Blog/Articles/Helium.com)

3: Exercise/Recreation

6ish-Bed: Dinner, Reading/writing/movie

I think the addition of some exercises is in my best interest for non-professional reasons, but then again, something as simple as a change of scenery can often help a lot in terms of inspiration. Also, I think doing more reading will help me gain some new influences and maybe direct me a little bit. If not, I still put in the effort drawing out the little schedule and thinking about how best to use my time, so I think that no matter what, it was time well spent.

As a side note, I saw "Smokin' Aces" today. Lots of action, lots of cool fight scenes and whatnot, but what the hell kind of ending is that? The twists and turns make you think the writer really knew his shit all throughout and then he just slaps you in the face with this explanation of the entire movie that kills even the memory of having enjoyed it up until that point. If I had walked out on it like ten minutes early I probably would say it kicked ass.

Let's give 'em something to blog about

I'm sorry, I'm getting lamer and lamer as this goes on. Today is about the least interesting so far. As far as work goes I got absolutely nothing done. I wrote something yesterday that I will hopefully publish next week and I went to BestBuy to get a warranty and took my old computer to CompUSA today, so that is in the works. Other than that there is seriously nothing to report.

The only thing I can offer is the observation that I am once again reaching the transition period from potential to reality when the even the best laid plans are know to break down. When you are a kid, you have your whole life ahead of you and you have unlimited potential. Then when school shows your not as smart as you may have thought, it gets narrowed a little bit. The same thing happens when time shows that you won't be big enough to play professional sports or talented enough to be a musician. One day you wake up and there is no potential for change, you just are what you are and that's that. Then again, maybe its just reality itself that never lives up to its potential.

Everybody's bloggin' for the weekend

Oh man, motivation is at an all-time low. I have a few ideas but when I still haven't heard back about three quarters of my submissions I don't know if it is even worth my time. I might just be spinning my wheels and be in need of some serious changes but not even know it. Then again, maybe everyone will be as positive as my man in NYC, and they just haven't gotten around to reading my stuff yet because they get so many submissions.

As it stands I have two good unpaid leads and one possibility of extremely modest compensation. I don't know, I'm starting to think that the writing business is like the other arts in that you have to sort of pay your dues and struggle for a while at first. It's not like a regular job where you just go in the first day and start doing it, it starts way slower but builds momentum and keeps it more.

If you think about it, the job security is probably pretty good when compared to a desk job. Yeah, you might not stay at the same place forever but the world will always need writers, authors, reporters, and now apparently, bloggers. A desk job is the other way around. You start off strong and have lots of work to do but eventually your position will be outsourced or mechanized and you will be out of a job. No matter how good you are at your job, odds are your boss will eventually find a machine or someone in a foreign country that can do it just as well for cheaper. But if you think about it, even in futuristic books like Orwell's 1984 or Vonnegut's Player Piano, the writing and editing process is never fully mechanized successfully because even the most advanced artificial intelligence can't compete with the human imagination.

The problem, however, is that there are a TON of people out there who think they can write, especially on the internet. It's difficult to be honest with yourself about the quality of your writing, although I think most of us know when we are writing crap. It's just funny sometimes that the reader's favorite part of the story may not be the author's favorite part. Sometimes you think something is a lot better than it really is and sometimes something turns out to be a lot better than you thought it was, you never really know. You just have to keep trying different things and go with what works. The only problem is that without any feedback it's difficult to know what's working and what's not.

Anywho, here's something funny:

You know how people always say that they get their best ideas in bed? Well, I could never relate to that because I always get my best ideas in the shower. I never thought much of it though, until the other morning... When I pulled back the cover, all my fingers and toes were wrinkled!!

Guess where I thought of that one...